The Birthday Girl
By Cory Hunt, SacMidtown.com
Oh my God, you guys! I cannot believe that my birthday is coming up! Like, it’s almost already here!
I know it’s a couple of weeks away, but we should totally get the girls together and you can all buy me dinner to celebrate. It will be so fun! LOL!
I totally like seriously love my girls, but Stacy has been a real bitch lately. I heard that she made out with this guy I used to be totally into and didn’t even tell me. I mean, I never dated him and he never had any interest in me, but I still had dibs. What a bitch, right? Can you even believe her? I mean, I’m not talking trash, because I really love her, but that was kind of messed up.
The actual birthday party is going to be like the greatest night of my life! We’ll get the girls together and go out to like the best club ever. OMG! You know what we should do? We should totally pretend we’re cougars! We should totally wear animal print tops! LOL! We’re so much better than older single ladies because we’re younger single ladies! This is my most original idea ever!
When we get to the club, I will scream out, “Wooo!!! Let’s do some shots!!” and we’ll let everyone around us know that it’s my birthday. All the guys will realize that I deserve a lot of attention for my birthday and then they’ll buy us drinks. They might make jokes about how they have an inappropriate present for me. I’ll laugh loudly and touch their arms after they do this.
Maybe I will tell the guy I meet that I’m totally just like one of the guys and how I have so many guy friends who love me. Like, I’ll tell him that I love watching football and playing poker, but when he tries to talk to me about sports or Texas Hold ‘Em, it will be clear that I have no clue. Then he’ll tell me he has to run to the bathroom and never come back. I’ll tell myself that he probably got lost on the way back. It totally sucks because I was totally looking forward to talking to him about the nearest pro football team. It’ll be okay because there will be tons of other hot guys there!
I’m sure all the guys will totally be blown away by our jokes like about how we’re going to be cougars some day, even though we won’t be. Cougars are so old! The guys will totally think we’re the coolest girls ever. Who knows? I might even find someone to be my boyfriend on my birthday. That would be the best present ever!
Stacy will probably be really rude to me. I’ll probably be totally talking to some guy, then he’ll leave and then she’ll start making out with him. What a slut! I’ll be pissed even though he clearly wanted nothing to do with me, but still, I talked to him first. Stacy needs to respect girl code!
After Stacy makes out with that guy, I’ll call for another round of shots and get you guys to sing happy birthday to me in the bar to remind people that it’s my birthday and get more attention. I’ll probably get upset that people don’t really care that it’s my birthday, so we’ll totally have another round of shots! Tequila for my birthday!
I’ll be really drunk and I’ll start crying. You guys will have to carry me outside to vomit and then you’ll take me home in a cab. I’ll start out complaining about Stacy, but then I’ll start sobbing and talking about how nobody is ever going to marry me. You’ll tell me everything is alright and that I’ll find someone and give me hugs. Once I get out of the cab, you’ll talk about how none of you like me. You’ll agree that the only reason you hang around me is because I make you feel better about yourself. You guys are my best friends! Love you!
OMG! This is going to be the best birthday ever! Shots!
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